She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
