No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Randomize
