Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
