Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
