This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
