i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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