i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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