i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
