remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
