went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
