Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
