Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
