the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The power of my boobs compel you
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
