Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
