you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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