I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
