two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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