So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I think i peed on brittanys purse
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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