Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
