He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I fill condoms, not promises.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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