I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
