tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
