I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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