i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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