We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She's the barista slut.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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