Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
