The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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