At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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