The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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