how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
