why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
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I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
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I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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