i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
