I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
