I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
there is puke in my bra ... again
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