he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
