You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
