All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
