Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
