I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
