My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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