I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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