so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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