Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
