I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
