i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
