I am in a vortex of obligation.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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