i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
