every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
