Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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