Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
