Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
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Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
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Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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