one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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