How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize