Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
