It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
