Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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