this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize