im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
